Welcome...

This was us at Christmas of 2014...

This is me and the four boys that fill my heart, my days and tolerate my craziness.

Fast forward to today...

Our life has been filled trying to find a new normal.

How to accept our new normal. 

How to put on a happy face. 

How to be happy for our boys, Logan and Liam.

How to teach them acceptance,

when we can't accept things ourselves.

For 8 years it was just Jon, Connor and I.

Our world, our ENTIRE world was Connor. 

Connor lost a tooth that day & Logan moved
to the step down unit of the NICU

When Connor was 8, in 2007 I got pregnant with Logan and Riley. They were identical twins. They developed Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I helped to co-author a book called Forever Linked A Mother's Journey Through Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. We had emergency laser surgery when I was 18 weeks pregnant in the hopes to save them. I was on bed rest until 28 weeks when they were born. Riley died when they were 4 days old. Logan had heart surgery when he was 6 days old. He was the smallest baby to have had the procedure. The hospital included a story about how he overcame the odds called A Tiny Heart in their quarterly magazine. Logan spent 11 weeks in the NICU. 

We learned to lean on each other, to appreciate each other.

In 2011 our rainbow baby, Liam was born

Connor's first question -
What color is his hair?!
He couldn't believe it wasn't red!

He brought us such hope and happiness.

Most of all he brought us a great deal of healing. 

He reminded us how much we had, how lucky we were.

His birth without intention bought the sunshine back into our lives. 

In 2013 we moved to North Carolina 

     

Connor on the way home
with his new pup. 

Our move was primarily to raise the boys in a slower world. We had everything we had hoped. 
We had chickens and ducks. 
We even had 13 baby ducks the first summer. 

4th of July 2014. We all made tie-dye shirts and played games.

Our kids were thrilled. 

We were elated. 

Connor had wanted a dog. 
We had gotten a giant lap dog, a Pyrenees named Finley.

Life was great. 

In 2015, Connor was homeschooling. He was preparing for the rest of his life. He wanted to go into the entertainment industry. We wanted him to be realistic. We were looking into college courses that he could take during high school. Everything was falling into place.

In August of 2015 Connor had surgery to correct his broken nose. He came home very much out of it. Less than 48 hours later he was in cardiac arrest in our living room. 

This was not how things should have gone.

We spent 12 hours in the hospital. He was gone. We were forced to remove life support. That day we became more broken than I could have ever imagined possible.

Now 6 months later, I can't say we have been able to pick up the pieces. We have swept them into a pile. We are dealing. Some days are better than others, but few are great. I can't remember a genuinely great day in the last 6 months.

We will get better, we have to. We will never forget what we lost. We have to focus on what we had. Connor was amazing, I was often told that he was an old soul. My heart hurts everyday.

We put on our happy face and get through it. We have to...

I will be updating often. I'm a bit of an oversharer.....If you enjoy wierdos, your in the right place. Stick around and you'll soon agree!

Continue reading Welcome...

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Continue reading SkyZone Birthday Party Offer!!

How to get your son to pee INSIDE the toilet.....

Only a woman living in a house of all boys can appreciate this turmoil.

Why can't they get the pee in the toilet?

Not on the wall.

Do they make special paint that will repel the urine? Both the smell and the stain?

Not on the back of the toilet.

Good grief, it is so difficult to get the pee out of those stupid hinges! Then it runs down the sides of the toilet in the back. OMG!

All of that aside, my biggest complaint is that they constantly pee ON THE SEAT!

I have given up on that put the seat down BS, that shit is a joke! These turkeys think they have such great aim that they can just leave it down. Hey, its one less thing to do!

Which is why in our house the rule is LEAVE THE SEAT UP!

I am so damn sick of sitting in someone else's pee. Not that I enjoy sitting in my own. I don't think I have ever actually sat in my own pee. Would you believe that they won't do it?! What the WHAT! I put the seat up when I'm finished in the hope that my ass will stay pissless for an entire day.


I can not remember the last time I enjoyed a full day when my ass was not covered in someone's urine at some point.

I am constantly yelling put the seat up! Or Did you wipe the seat? Only to be told yes!

An hour later I go in, plop my fat ass down and glory be, what do ya know! Another day, another wet bum!

To all of you that tell your hubby or sons to put the seat down, think of me. Remember that there are those of us that dream of a seat left up and dry. A seat waiting completely untouched by another's pee. I would much rather sit unknowingly into a cold toilet bowl of clean water because I neglected to check that the seat was down

Perhaps you could give me some tips.

Continue reading How to get your son to pee INSIDE the toilet.....

Each baby brings a different type of HOPE

I have been overwhelmed with love, joy and HOPE after the birth of each of my babies. 

Everyone has those feelings, of course. But the timing and way each one changed our world also brought a different type of HOPE to our eyes.

1999 Connor Patrick HaddiganSos

Connor was our first, we weren't young or newly married. So bringing our first baby into the world should not have been completely overwhelming. The enormous overwhelming love after seeing your first baby for the first time is so far beyond words. The HOPEs and dreams we had for him started months before he was born. As he developed his own personality and his own HOPEs, we soon realized that our hopes could only be for his happiness and that became enough.

2007 Logan Edward Haddigan                                                         2007 Riley William Haddigan

When Logan and Riley came into our lives HOPE was kind of the only thing we had. When your babies are born 3 months early after having fetal surgery at 18 weeks and being on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy, what else is there?  These two helpless tiny babies showed us just how precious life is and that each day is a gift. We had to leave them everyday in the care of other people, we had to HOPE that they would be okay. When Riley died  days later, our HOPE might have died with him. We were beaten, broken, we were feeling hopeless. Until, two days later, Logan had lifesaving heart surgery. We were again HOPEful. HOPEful for his survival, his future and strength.

After Riley's death, we were so beaten. We had Logan and we loved him so much. We were so thankful that he was strong and healthy and alive. But we were all so devastated by Riley's death that it became hard to really breathe. 

2011 Liam Joseph Haddigan

With Liam's birth HOPE was alive! Liam brought all of us the chance to believe in happiness again. Liam made us HOPEful for the future. Let us believe that everything would be okay and that we would be happy.

Hope is a crazy thing.

Without HOPE I'm not sure where I'd be.

Today's daily post prompt Hope

Continue reading Each baby brings a different type of HOPE

Your Friend is Grieving? 7 Things NOT to Say!!

Last week I gave you a list of 9 things to do to help a grieving friend.

I think it is equally important for you to know what you should under no circumstance say to a grieving friend.

DO NOT SAY:

#1

"I know how you feel, my _______died"

Oh, dear Lord, PLEASE don't say this! I actually had someone that I love that I know loves me and is very dear to me say, "when my cat died......". I didn't hear the rest because my focus had turned to the fact that my eyeballs had become stuck in the back of my head. If someone else had said that to me I almost definitely would have kicked them in the head, yes I CAN kick that high...wanna find out? But the truth is, you DON'T know how they feel, you can't possibly know.

#2

"I don't know how you do it..."

Know what? Neither do I. Having people say that to me day after day only makes me wonder, how the HELL am I doing it? It also makes me feel pitiful, as though people are feeling so sorry for me and if they were in my shoes they would...WHAT.. WHAT would they do? I just don't get it. My choice is to either do it, put one foot in front of the other, or don't and end it all. So, I have chosen (as though there is even a choice) to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

#3

"Call me"

Good Grief(no pun intended) Don't tell your grieving friend to call you. Pick up the damn phone and call them! Let them know you care! Let them know they are on your mind! Let them know they are important to you! The griever (is that a word) is exhausted! It is honestly EXHAUSTING just the act of getting out of bed each day knowing what you are faced with for the next 12-15 hours.

#4

"What can I do?"

Again, a pure STUPID thing to ask. We don't know what you can do to help. Hell, we don't even know what day it is most of the time. Just DO anything! This little website 1-800 baskets.com can most definitely help you find the perfect thing.

#5

"God has a plan."

So, depending on your belief, maybe God does have a plan. But you know what? As a mom who is now facing living the rest of her life without two of her precious boys, I couldn't give a flying SHIT about God's perfect plan!

#6

Be empathetic -  don't feel pity.

You might be wondering what I mean. Well, put yourself in the griever's shoes, you know like if your cat had died (I couldn't even type that without rolling my eyes!).  Just try not to look at the griever with eyes of pity. Instead look at them with eyes of love and caring.

#7

"God doesn't give us anything we can't handle"

This one is interesting to me. I remember, as a kid, hearing people saying this to me or around me. I remember thinking what a relief that was! I mean, hell, at least anything that comes my way, I will kick it's ass! As I got older and seeing depression and misery, I realized what a load of crap this saying is! Come on, what about the people that commit suicide? I guess they were not aware of this little nugget of information. If they'd only known! UGH!!!

The bottom line is, if you don't know what to say, just stifle yourself and offer a hug. You really can't go wrong with a hug!

Continue reading Your Friend is Grieving? 7 Things NOT to Say!!

What Can I Do For My Grieving Friend?

When our 16 year old son, Connor, died suddenly, we were in a fog (honestly, we still are). If it weren't for AMAZING family, friends, neighbors and even strangers I don't think we would have been able to focus on surviving.

 

 

Don't ask what you can do ....JUST DO!!

#1 FEED THEM!

I have known that when someone dies, you bring food. I never understood why, I just knew it was a thing people did. Well, I found out just how important those meals are to a grieving family!  We have two very important little people who were confused, scared and grieving too. We didn't have the energy to

• Think about cooking - we weren't hungry-we didn't eat for 3 days, it just wasn't even a consideration
• Think about shopping for food
• Clean up after cooking

It was just TOO much! Such a common daily thing - having dinner - was just TOO much!

Thanks to our new neighbors that we didn't even know we ate for two days! We also were enormously grateful to my husband's co-workers - those people brought over a carload of groceries- mostly pre-made stuff and lunch meat. That was perfect!

We had just joined a home school organization for Connor's high school classes, school hadn't even started yet, but a few of the wonderful families there set up a nightly dinner schedule! They used Take Them a Meal, but I'm sure there are others. I can't even tell you what a lifesaver those meals were and not just for the meals but also for the opportunity to see that people cared and wanted to help us.

#2 Offer to Clean

If you want to do something else, offer to clean! We had PILES of clothes, dishes and dirty floors and bathrooms. I just didn't care. I had a couple of family members that helped to clean, that went a long way toward my piece of mind. One less thing for me to waste energy on. I would have loved if someone had a service come by and clean the house for us.

Grieving is EXHAUSTING!

#3 Take the kids

Having someone come by and take the kiddo somewhere, anywhere would have been amazing for us and them! I'm sure they would have loved to go pretty much anywhere, just to get out of the house!

#4 Share a story

My heart was/is so completely broken, but when people would share their memories with me about Connor, it made me smile. It also made me cry. Don't let the fear of making someone cry stop you from sharing a silly story with them about their child. If you have pictures, share those too!!  I saw pictures of Connor that I'd never seen before. I heard stories that brought memories rushing back and stories that I never knew about. Those conversations, knowing that my precious son touched other people, made/makes me feel incredibly proud of him and the man he was becoming.

#5 Call Often

You don't need to know the perfect thing to say, just call! I had people tell me, if you need anything, call me. Nope, it doesn't work that way. I didn't want to burden anyone and I didn't know what I needed on any given day at any given moment. So, just call, let them know you care, your thinking of them.

Don't try to fix it - it can't be fixed

#6 Be My Voice

This is one that I personally never would have done or even thought to do for someone for fear of overstepping. Thankfully, I have an amazing friend that knew how important this was, she reached out to my second grader's teacher. His teacher let his classmates know what had happened. This wonderful teacher who Logan had only known for 4 days, had the class write the most heartfelt cards and drawings to give Logan when he returned to school.  This friend let the school know what had happened. Connor had gone to school there for 8th grade, his teachers were able to attend the service because my friend let them know.

#7 Make the siblings feel special

We have some of the most thoughtful people around us. At the service, a friend brought a gift bag for each of our boys. Nothing extravagant, just a few little things to let them know that they were thinking of them. A couple of the home school moms brought gift bags for the boys when they delivered their meals. It was extremely thoughtful and made us all feel loved.

#8 Drop a note - through SNAIL MAIL

There were many days that a sweet little card or surprise gift was delivered and just reinforced that we are loved and people care about us. We weren't suffering alone. Some friends of mine (that I'd never met physically, we met after the death of our babies 8 years earlier) had gotten together and ordered gifts for Jon and I. I had no clue! I posted a picture of a beautiful engraved charm thanking them for the love. Within minutes one of them informed me that it wasn't for me.... it was for JON! He was in tears when I told him. He said, "They don't even know me!"  They will probably never REALLY know how they filled our hearts with love that afternoon.

#9 BE THERE

This is probably one of the easiest and most important thing you can do, please do it often!
Say, I love you, I care about you, I'm here for you. Sit down and just listen, really LISTEN. Then follow up all of that with hugs lots of hugs.

I hope this is helpful. I hope to lessen someone else's pain by offering advice to the people that love them.

If you have suffered a loss and know something that I should add to the list, PLEASE let me know, I'm sure I've left off some other helpful tips.

 

Continue reading What Can I Do For My Grieving Friend?

How Our Sons are Learning to Survive after the Death of Their Big Brother

There is no manual for grieving a sibling as a child, trust me I've searched for one! It's just not that common, I guess, and it shouldn't be!



Children think they are invincible and damn it, they should! They are entitled to being delusional. These are the same people who think they can become superheroes. They have no clue how this big awful world really operates. They are focusing on big stuff, you know like what's in my lunchbox today and what are we going to play at recess.

Our boys are dealing learning to cope with life after their 16 year old big brother died suddenly.

That guy who was always hogging the Xbox, he's just gone. The dude they looked to for what was cool, he's not on the computer anymore. The culinary genius who brought us treats like the "Co Co Burger" (Liam called him Co Co as a baby, they made burgers with damn near everything on it, bologna, spam, anything it was beyond gross), he's not destroying the kitchen.

How do we, as parents, explain the unexplainable? I mean we are supposed to have ALL of the answers. And believe me, they want answers, they are quite direct with their questions and concerns.

We have done the counselor thing. I'm not sure how helpful that was for either of them. Logan didn't want to be on a schedule with his emotions, which brought the therapist to the conclusion that he was avoiding acceptance of Connor's death. But come on, who wants to be told, okay Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 3-4 you need to be ready to talk about all of the horrible things your dealing with all day everyday. I think he saw it more as an opportunity to hang out and play with an adult who had complete focus on him. Who can blame him? Eventually, Logan decided he didn't want to continue going. So, we stopped.

Now, 7 months after Connor's death, Logan's emotions have come right up to the surface. I think he was being strong for us, now he is confronted with the magnitude of it all. He keeps telling me he's never going to forget Connor, I know. He cries uncontrollably telling me how unfair it all is, I know. He can't focus at school because no one understands him anymore, I know.

How can I help him, we are all so broken.

Our lives will never be the same. Our future, their future is now and forever changed.

So, somehow we are forging through each day. They are looking to us to show them how.....because we are supposed to know. We don't know and I really freaking wish we weren't being forced to learn!

If you have ANY tips, I'm all ears! Please share with me!!!

Continue reading How Our Sons are Learning to Survive after the Death of Their Big Brother

How We are Helping Our 8 year old with Sensory Processing Disorder

Our eight year old, Logan is funny, smart and loving. Oh, your kids area too? They all are, right?

He is also unpredictable, impulsive and irrational at times.

He was diagnosed with SPD when he was three.

He was (and still is) hypersensitive to temperature. When he showers, the water is COLD.
He is easily stressed in new environments or when his schedule becomes unpredictable.
He gets upset by loud noises.
He becomes overwhelmed around large groups of people.

I had never heard of Sensory Processing Disorder, but I knew something was not right. He was not a typical three year old. I knew that he was struggling.


Outsiders looked down their noses at us and wondered why he was hiding under a table at family gatherings. People don't understand just how intense these experiences are for a kid with SPD.

They don't want to be different. When someone just wants a hug, they don't realize to Logan it is very invasive. If he isn't comfortable, it can't happen.



We knew that the one and only place that we could control and provide him comfort, safety and the predictability that he needs was at home.

I started researching the different things that we could incorporate in our home. Guess what I found, its all REALLY expensive!!

I went on the hunt to figure out what I could DIY.

Here's a list of what we've done:

• Sensory discovery bottle- Logan found little figures and random characters to add to the bottle.  We also added glitter and blue food coloring. I filled it 2/3 with water and the rest with oil. The result is a lava lamp like swirly action. It provides him with a cool down period when he gets overwhelmed while he watches the glitter and goodies drop.

• Body sock - I purchased this online. It was the best $35 ever spent.
• Sit and spin
• Trampoline
• Swing
• Slide
• Happily hop Ball
• Slime, goop, sand, rice
• Chew necklace
• Aromatherapy

I took them to a fabric shop and let them pick out the fabric they liked (it had to be stretchy to work). 

They LOVE these things!!

Continue reading How We are Helping Our 8 year old with Sensory Processing Disorder

At Least You Have....

When we suffered the loss of one of  our twins at 4 days old, people actually said to us, "at least you have one of them." As if that was somehow comforting. What does that even mean? I wanted to ask them which of their children they thought was disposable. They were two completely separate people.

I had to come to understand that it was just something people say for the lack of something to say. As completely stupid as it was to say to a mom, I had to let it go in one ear and out the other.

Now after Connor's death, hearing, "at least you have your other boys," was somehow completely different.

Continue reading At Least You Have....

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

When someone dies suddenly, friends and family try desperately to offer support. A common statement uttered is, "everything happens for a reason.” I’m calling BULLSHIT!

I realize that these words are somehow suppose to bring comfort. I think the only one comforted is the person saying it because it gives them SOMETHING to say. No one knows what to say during a time of tragedy, which offers the best opportunity to open mouth insert foot.

No one says to a lottery winner, “everything happens for a reason.” No, that guys a WINNER!!  It seems that only bad things require the statement, "everything happens for a reason." No one says “everything happens for a reason,” to someone unless they have suffered.

"We NEED a reason..."

Continue reading EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON