Welcome...

This was us at Christmas of 2014...

This is me and the four boys that fill my heart, my days and tolerate my craziness.

Fast forward to today...

Our life has been filled trying to find a new normal.

How to accept our new normal. 

How to put on a happy face. 

How to be happy for our boys, Logan and Liam.

How to teach them acceptance,

when we can't accept things ourselves.

For 8 years it was just Jon, Connor and I.

Our world, our ENTIRE world was Connor. 

Connor lost a tooth that day & Logan moved
to the step down unit of the NICU

When Connor was 8, in 2007 I got pregnant with Logan and Riley. They were identical twins. They developed Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I helped to co-author a book called Forever Linked A Mother's Journey Through Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. We had emergency laser surgery when I was 18 weeks pregnant in the hopes to save them. I was on bed rest until 28 weeks when they were born. Riley died when they were 4 days old. Logan had heart surgery when he was 6 days old. He was the smallest baby to have had the procedure. The hospital included a story about how he overcame the odds called A Tiny Heart in their quarterly magazine. Logan spent 11 weeks in the NICU. 

We learned to lean on each other, to appreciate each other.

In 2011 our rainbow baby, Liam was born

Connor's first question -
What color is his hair?!
He couldn't believe it wasn't red!

He brought us such hope and happiness.

Most of all he brought us a great deal of healing. 

He reminded us how much we had, how lucky we were.

His birth without intention bought the sunshine back into our lives. 

In 2013 we moved to North Carolina 

     

Connor on the way home
with his new pup. 

Our move was primarily to raise the boys in a slower world. We had everything we had hoped. 
We had chickens and ducks. 
We even had 13 baby ducks the first summer. 

4th of July 2014. We all made tie-dye shirts and played games.

Our kids were thrilled. 

We were elated. 

Connor had wanted a dog. 
We had gotten a giant lap dog, a Pyrenees named Finley.

Life was great. 

In 2015, Connor was homeschooling. He was preparing for the rest of his life. He wanted to go into the entertainment industry. We wanted him to be realistic. We were looking into college courses that he could take during high school. Everything was falling into place.

In August of 2015 Connor had surgery to correct his broken nose. He came home very much out of it. Less than 48 hours later he was in cardiac arrest in our living room. 

This was not how things should have gone.

We spent 12 hours in the hospital. He was gone. We were forced to remove life support. That day we became more broken than I could have ever imagined possible.

Now 6 months later, I can't say we have been able to pick up the pieces. We have swept them into a pile. We are dealing. Some days are better than others, but few are great. I can't remember a genuinely great day in the last 6 months.

We will get better, we have to. We will never forget what we lost. We have to focus on what we had. Connor was amazing, I was often told that he was an old soul. My heart hurts everyday.

We put on our happy face and get through it. We have to...

I will be updating often. I'm a bit of an oversharer.....If you enjoy wierdos, your in the right place. Stick around and you'll soon agree!

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