When our 16 year old son, Connor, died suddenly, we were in a fog (honestly, we still are). If it weren't for AMAZING family, friends, neighbors and even strangers I don't think we would have been able to focus on surviving.
Don't ask what you can do ....JUST DO!!
#1 FEED THEM!
I have known that when someone dies, you bring food. I never understood why, I just knew it was a thing people did. Well, I found out just how important those meals are to a grieving family! We have two very important little people who were confused, scared and grieving too. We didn't have the energy to
- Think about cooking - we weren't hungry-we didn't eat for 3 days, it just wasn't even a consideration
- Think about shopping for food
- Clean up after cooking
It was just TOO much! Such a common daily thing - having dinner - was just TOO much!
Thanks to our new neighbors that we didn't even know we ate for two days! We also were enormously grateful to my husband's co-workers - those people brought over a carload of groceries- mostly pre-made stuff and lunch meat. That was perfect!
We had just joined a home school organization for Connor's high school classes, school hadn't even started yet, but a few of the wonderful families there set up a nightly dinner schedule! They used
Take Them a Meal, but I'm sure there are others. I can't even tell you what a lifesaver those meals were and not just for the meals but also for the opportunity to see that people cared and wanted to help us.
#2 Offer to Clean
If you want to do something else, offer to clean! We had PILES of clothes, dishes and dirty floors and bathrooms. I just didn't care. I had a couple of family members that helped to clean, that went a long way toward my piece of mind. One less thing for me to waste energy on. I would have loved if someone had a service come by and clean the house for us.
Grieving is EXHAUSTING!
#3 Take the kids
Having someone come by and take the kiddo somewhere, anywhere would have been amazing for us and them! I'm sure they would have loved to go pretty much anywhere, just to get out of the house!
#4 Share a story
My heart was/is so completely broken, but when people would share their memories with me about Connor, it made me smile. It also made me cry. Don't let the fear of making someone cry stop you from sharing a silly story with them about their child. If you have pictures, share those too!! I saw pictures of Connor that I'd never seen before. I heard stories that brought memories rushing back and stories that I never knew about. Those conversations, knowing that my precious son touched other people, made/makes me feel incredibly proud of him and the man he was becoming.
#5 Call Often
You don't need to know the perfect thing to say, just call! I had people tell me, if you need anything, call me. Nope, it doesn't work that way. I didn't want to burden anyone and I didn't know what I needed on any given day at any given moment. So, just call, let them know you care, your thinking of them.
Don't try to fix it - it can't be fixed
#6 Be My Voice
This is one that I personally never would have done or even thought to do for someone for fear of overstepping. Thankfully, I have an amazing friend that knew how important this was, she reached out to my second grader's teacher. His teacher let his classmates know what had happened. This wonderful teacher who Logan had only known for 4 days, had the class write the most heartfelt cards and drawings to give Logan when he returned to school. This friend let the school know what had happened. Connor had gone to school there for 8th grade, his teachers were able to attend the service because my friend let them know.
#7 Make the siblings feel special
We have some of the most thoughtful people around us. At the service, a friend brought a gift bag for each of our boys. Nothing extravagant, just a few little things to let them know that they were thinking of them. A couple of the home school moms brought gift bags for the boys when they delivered their meals. It was extremely thoughtful and made us all feel loved.
#8 Drop a note - through SNAIL MAIL
There were many days that a sweet little card or surprise gift was delivered and just reinforced that we are loved and people care about us. We weren't suffering alone. Some friends of mine (that I'd never met physically, we met after the death of our babies 8 years earlier) had gotten together and ordered gifts for Jon and I. I had no clue! I posted a picture of a beautiful engraved charm thanking them for the love. Within minutes one of them informed me that it wasn't for me.... it was for JON! He was in tears when I told him. He said, "They don't even know me!" They will probably never REALLY know how they filled our hearts with love that afternoon.
#9 BE THERE
This is probably one of the easiest and most important thing you can do, please do it often!
Say, I love you, I care about you, I'm here for you. Sit down and just listen, really LISTEN. Then follow up all of that with hugs lots of hugs.
I hope this is helpful. I hope to lessen someone else's pain by offering advice to the people that love them.
If you have suffered a loss and know something that I should add to the list, PLEASE let me know, I'm sure I've left off some other helpful tips.
THIS is the WHITE towel AFTER one..ONE cushion! OMG!!! Let me please beg of you to NOT pass judgement until you give YOUR couch a wipe.
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